Alright, so I had had some baby fever going on but now it's totally gone! Well, the pressure to be is gone. Thanks to Annie and Michael deciding to have a third baby has completely set me at ease. No one's looking at me now to keep the fun going. A blessing in disguise. muhahaha
In different news, I had a patient unexpectedly die. I don't cry. . . . er to say I haven't cried for patients. This is the third one out of many that I have actually cried over, felt guilt, said prayers and apologized to this patient in Heaven. The first was for a patient I got too attached to at big baylor. He fought against the odds. He was my miracle patient. He made it to getting a heart transplant and then died a year later. He coded and died the day I was at the hospital but he was on a different floor. I knew he was there and I knew it was him. The girl who precepted me at that time came up to give me the news. I cried. The second patient I cried over was a 20 year old, pregnant girl (I say girl. She was way too young). She died and I went home and cried and cried. Three days later Adam proposed. I'll never forget that sequence of events. So this guy at the heart hospital is my third. It took me a week to cry about it. Ugh. ICU . . . especially cardiac icu. . . makes you distance yourself. It's really hard to grow a bond because you know deep down you shouldn't. . . .
Hmm. I've just now remembered that God is bigger than all of it. Why did I question if I should pray for my patients? Why did I think that medicine was bigger? Miracles happen. Thank you Candice for sharing your story about the boy in Lubbock with his appendix problems. That is clearly a miracle. I can't explain it. You can't explain it. Medicine can't explain it. . . . It's weird how you selectively think that God is in one situation and not another. You go into one patient's room and think, "wow, God is really working in this room, in this family." And then other rooms you walk into and you're thinking "what the crap? what the heck is going on? why can't I understand this?" ::Sigh:: I don't even know if I make sense right now but it's nice to type about.
Hmm. Guess that's it.
Aww, thanks! You read my blog. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your patient. I don't deal with many serious cases, at least most of mine that died were old people...but that was sad sometimes too because I was the only one there. i remember on my birthday in 2007, I was providing comfort care for someone who had family that went home and I kept going in her room just because I didn't want her to die alone.
You are a great nurse and God has definately called you to what you are doing. Stay strong and let those tears come when they need to. it shows you are still human and not TOO distant.
love you girl!
Crying over lost patients is what makes you a great nurse. If you had a hardened heart you wouldn't leave a mark on the lives of those you take care of.
ReplyDeleteI'm not in healthcare, but I agree 100% with Candice and Sharon. I'm glad you've decided to follow your heart in all of that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm glad to have eased some of your burden with baby #3. :) And I know we all kid about when y'all should have one, but seriously your decision shouldn't be swayed at all by all of that. You have to be ready and want that baby on your own before you decide to do it. And I'm sorry if I've contributed to the pressure at all. I'll try not to anymore! I want the decision to be purely yours and Adam's. OK, I'm rambling now. ;)
Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good nurse poo. My experience with that horrible nurse when I had Clint made me realize that healthcare providers who remember that each patient is a unique individual and is probably scared with what they're going through are rare and I'm proud to say that you're one of them! :)
ReplyDeleteYay for the ease of baby fever! You just need to see your poo-nephew and it'll make you feel like you already have one! He misses you!