Stupid fear and all it's stupid stupidness

We signed up for Little Gym this semester and it was just a huge mistake. We never go anymore because at Emma's age, I still have to be in there with her. I LOVED it when I was pregnant. She got interaction with other kids and learned cool skills. Now that I have Ethan, I can't really go because there's no one to watch him. And I tote him around everywhere because he's nursing. He could stay home and take a bottle but who's going to watch him? Paying for a babysitter just seems idiotic because you're paying more money into something that you shouldn't have paid for in the first place. ::sigh:: The unused classes to stack up and you can use them at any time. But we don't ever use them. There are Saturday morning classes, but again, I'm working and Adam would need someone to watch Ethan. And when I say morning, I mean morning. 8:30 AM. There is ONE afternoon class a week at 4:30 and Melanie is going to help out with it today. Last time she helped out it went really well at first and then Emma saw me through the window and cried until Melanie and I swapped places. Which brings me to my next point.

I've never "dropped off" Emma anywhere. If I have, then it's been with someone she knows like family or Erin B or Erin T. We've never done day care and I've never utilized one of those day out programs.

Someone kept telling me to try MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) which is held at a church in your community. I thought it was similar to Little Gym where parents and children play together but it's actually children in a separate room. I literally get anxious when I think about this and I have to explore why.

I think it stems from my literally growing up in day care from six weeks old to sixth grade. I was in daycare every day even when school started and through every summer. My parents both worked full time and while I believe that because my parents are pretty inroverted, day care was actually good for me because I made friends and was outgoing, I do harbor resentment that my mother didn't stay home. Not that she really had a choice. Although once I learned how much they made when I applied for college, I really feel they were probably dumping most of their paychecks into childcare. So what's the point?

Anyway. I get anxious thinking that Emma will someday harbor resentment against me for dropping her off and leaving her. That is a really hard sentence to write because it makes me cry 1. because of the fear I have and 2. because I know how stupid it is! I have to get her social interaction. It's so important. I also need to get her consistantly around other kids so she doesn't get sick every time she's around them sporadically.

If I joined MOPS though, I'd have Ethan who would still need me, food wise and be on crazy nap schedules.

I just need to let go of this fear and feel comfortable letting go of my kids for a few hours. Easier said than done. I need to just trust that it would work out.

Another hard thing is that Adam and I are not with a church. So I'd be walking into a group of women who are probably members of that church and all know each other and while I'm pretty talkative once you get to know me, I'm pretty shy in the beginning. I'd be taking Emma somewhere she's never been before, dropping her off with people she doesn't know and being anxious the whole time in my class wondering when they're going to come get me because my child won't stop crying.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Just bite the bullet, Courtney.

Mark it

Mark it. Adam and I's fourth anniversary is also the day Emma started saying "no" and using a toy to climb on to get something out of reach. lol! :-)

At least the "no" wasn't a yelling, screaming one. We were in the bathroom and she was pointing to the counter saying "dis, dis!" I would hand her a bottle and she'd say, "No. Dis." and keep pointing. So cute. :-) For now, haha!

From my last post, Michelle asked me to correct using the term misscarriage. A misscarriage is up to 20 weeks gestation and stillborn is the term used thereafter. She had said on one of her posts that it happens more often than you think and she's right. Two women I work with have had stillborn births. One at 26 weeks and one at 38 weeks. One went on to have two boys and the other went on to have two girls. Who knows why this happens. Still praying for you, girl.

We are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate our anniversary. My mom's coming over to watch the kids and hopefully Ethan doesn't stay up until 10:30 with her again. He is such a good sleeper and usually goes to bed between 8:00 and 8:30. So 10:30 was a shock. Crazy boy.

We went to the craniofacial surgeon yesterday because at Ethan's 8 week appointment, our pediatrician thought his skull looked wrong. It looked like a less extreme version of this:

http://www.rch.org.au/kidsinfo/factsheets.cfm?doc_id=7666

I didn't notice it with all of Ethan's hair but it was noticeable once he pointed it out. So, I called the specialist and we couldn't get in for three weeks. So I've been reshaping his head on my own, turning him different positions in the crib, more tummy time and more of him turning his head to the left instead of just the right. Went to the appointment and Ethan has a perfect skull. The doctor didn't even understand why we were there. :-) No helmet for Ethan and nothing serious. Sweetest boy.

Charlotte Joy

Erin's cousin Michelle had a stillbirth at 31 weeks of pregnancy. I have met her many times and it is absolutely devastating. Last night she delivered Charlotte Joy around 9 PM. She was 3 pounds, 11 ounces and 19 inches long.

Michelle and her husband, seeing them go through this, lets me know the power of God and His healing. They are so strong and have given this all to Him. They are stronger than I would ever be. I know it's selfish but I can't help thinking what I would do in this situation. Not that I'm worrying about it happening to me but just what it would be like. At first my immediate reaction would be, "dear lord, c-section." But, when you stop to think more, I would want that baby to know they were mine even for a little while. And hold them. And love them. And just know that they are precious to me. There's no pamphlet on this. There is no right way. There are no answers.

I only take comfort thinking about Charlotte in Heaven with Jesus, smiling. Because I know she is. And I hope I can meet her someday.

This is all just weighing heavily on my mind today and as I sit here crying and typing, it feels therapeutic and I hope she doesn't mind me writing about her but I know my family cares even though they don't know her and will pray for her and her family.

I created a monster

Emma had not watched any tv until two weeks ago. I'm not anti-tv but she wasn't interested and was such a great independent player, I kept putting it off. When Adam went back to work and I was home alone with two kids, I kind of panicked and started recording Little Einsteins. She was a little slow to like it, but soon it was on 3-4 times a day and she would bring me the remote. ("Dis! Dis!") She would even pat her lap to let me know what she wanted. I was having a hard time remembering just how we got through the day without it so two days we quit Little Einsteins cold turkey. There were tears but I don't want my child throwing a tantrum multiple times a day because the show isn't on. So we've gone back to how we were before and it's totally fine. Emma plays in the play room while I hold or feed Ethan.

Now. She is friggin' adorable when she watches it. Her face lights up and she gets so excited about "Seatbelts buckled!" and "Blastoff!" So I think we will watch it some but not get so carried away again. I should keep her as free from that addiction for as long as I can. . . because I'm sure it won't be long! Oh and plus, I'm pretty sure we will have a Little Einsteins theme birthday party come May. . . . Can I just add that Annie (on the cartoon) cannot sing. Quincy can play any instrument, June can dance well and Leo can conduct and leads the gang. Why did they have to give no talent to the most important character? We have to listen to her off pitch singing the whole time. Geez. I don't get it.

The weather has been so nice lately. Emma brings me my shoes and it's not to say, "Dear mother, your feet are cold, have some shoes." It's a not so subtle hint to say, "Get off your ass, woman! Take me outside!" She loves being outside and luckily there is a park nearby that no one goes to so we're the only ones there. I think people don't go because it has no swings but it has everything else. Emma's old enough now that she can stay on one side of the teeter totter while I'm on the other. That is very fun. Emma does love to swing but it's not like she notices it's not there.

I really would like to buy a nice swing set for the backyard. We can't get anything too big because 1) it won't fit and 2) they only install if it is six feet away from the fence and house. Well that puts it in the middle of the yard with very little wiggle room.

We've definitely been looking heavily at our finances lately and just sick at the money we spend. We have only been buying from the grocery store for a few weeks now. Our one exception is buying ice cream from Braums. (Droooool) We've also cut back on just buying in general and really thinking about whether we need it now or at all. It's been so liberating! It's awesome to think about the money you're NOT spending and how that just saves it up for other really important things (Like a swingset!). Sounds like Dave Ramsey? It is a little but we're not really doing his method. No money in envelopes or doing things in his order. We're just trying to be more aware. And it's exciting that we're both on board. I'm sorry to say I think I teased Annie and Michael for selling their stuff per the Dave Ramsey method but HOT DAMN it is fun to sell things! It de-clutters the house AND you get money. Bam. Born-again-moneymaker.